Ever since I graduated I feel like I have been fighting with the universe to figure out what is next for me. I thought life after graduation would bring so many opportunities that essentially I could be hanging from the stars. Folks, that hasn’t happened and it has been 6 months since I graduated. Yes, I have a good job in the medical field that I like, but it really doesn’t require a degree to do what I do. Last year has brought so many trials and tribulations, that it actually feels as if graduating with a Masters was an absolute curse, even though getting an education really had nothing to do with what I went through. It just allowed more freedom for me wallow in misery and finally recognize my own insecurities. It’s amazing how fast one’s self esteem can plummet when expectations aren’t met.
I lost a relationship. I lost friends. I’ve had to cut people out of my life who were emotionally draining every ounce of goodness in my heart. I’ve gotten upsetting news about my family members. Not directly from them, but other people have kept me informed. Several of my siblings have gotten married and I wasn’t invited. I’ve tried getting promotions and failed. I’ve been mislead by TV producers. The list could go on.
All of it HURTS, regardless if I am the one doing it, or if someone does it to me.
For that reason, I’ve become dead inside when it comes to allowing people in my life. I cover up emotions, feelings, disappointment, simply because I’d rather suffer silently in pain by people’s unthoughtful actions so that they are comfortable.
I don’t want them to feel any pain like I have felt. I want my friends to be the happiest they can be so much so that sometimes I forget to make sure I am happy too. Am I happy? Yes, but not completely.
I love with my entire heart and soul, but yet my heart is extremely stubborn as well. I would do anything for those around me, but yet I want nothing in return. I even feel hurt when I am not needed. I simply treat people the way I want to be treated.
However, there are times when I do need help, but asking for it makes me feel like I am an inconvenience to them. That somehow I am not worthy. Somehow, my family’s rejection has me conditioned to believe I have to be perfect so that I won’t be rejected by those who are in my life now. It’s an insecurity plaguing me.
Because of not having family, I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed for a family to get married into so that I’d FINALLY feel like I belong and have a purpose, a family who would help me grow to be a better person, a family that I could spent holidays. I have lots of people who would welcome me in heartbeat, but it’s not the same. For some reason it still feels lonely because not all friends can fulfill that type of need and want. I am not sure I’ll ever find what I am looking for but am hopeful.
In a way God answered some of those prayers in 2015 and 2016, but it came in bits and pieces, ups and downs. Not what I expected at all. In the end I accepted things the way they were; enjoying the people who stayed in my life, but also let the door open for them to leave if they wanted. After all, I was in search of finding wherever I was supposed to be.
Of course, letting go of people is extremely difficult for me once I feel comfortable around them. There are some relationships I know for a fact that if they stay I’ll get hurt, if they go, I’ll still be hurt. It could even be that I’ll unintentionally hurt them in the end. Why is life like this?? I could question it day and night, and not have an explanation.
In all of this, I’ve learned to accept my life, even if I don’t agree with everything that happens. My insecurities may show sometimes, but I still know I am pretty, worthy, perfectly imperfect, and I deserve the best life has to offer. Who doesn’t have insecurities?? It’s okay to have a breakdown. It’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s okay to allow people to see my insecurities, flaws, and emotions. It’s okay for others to see that just because I am independent, have a Master’s degree and published a successful book, my life isn’t perfect. I don’t know where I am supposed to be now that college is done. God allows us to fall sometimes so we would get back up stronger than ever. There aren’t answers to all of life’s mysteries, but with trust, faith, and determination we can move forward. If there are any others out there struggling with life, which I am pretty sure there’s plenty (I can’t be the only one J) please don’t bottle it up.