My all-time favorite quote is; “Don’t go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path” by Ralph Emerson. I found this quote several years ago and immediately felt a rush of warm goose bumps cover me. I realized this quote fit me perfectly. I started my unknown path way back before I left the Amish. I fought to understand why I wasn’t content to stay home and be happy like the rest of my family. To end the fighting with myself, I made an executive decision to stay Amish, get married and shoot out babies, but that decision did not stick. I wasn’t meant to follow a path that was determined for me by rule makers.
When I finally did leave, I didn’t really know where I was headed with my life, I just closed my eyes and let things happen. I made my way into college blindfolded (I had no clue what I was doing) and I enjoyed it immensely. I am one of those nerdy werdy students that take assignments dead serious. If I don’t make good grades I go all Amish crazy on myself. I went to a one room schoolhouse and the education ended at fourteen years old with no choice but to stay home and help with womanly duties in the house—- so I wasn’t about to take my college opportunity for granted. However, there were many times I wanted to quit. My brain almost became unconscious from making way through something that I wasn’t sure was even possible. But I kept going and managed to graduate with a bachelor’s degree with above 3.0 GPA. It was all worth the tears and struggle through the assignments that I had no clue how to do.
I was so ecstatic with my accomplishment I jumped right into graduate school, even though I told the whole world I was done with college forever. I was determined to set myself up for failure somewhere, LOL.. Not really, but after a year of taking grad classes, I just want to take a break from school altogether. All my emotions and energy are exhausted. I feel dead inside. I can’t even feel the Christmas spirit in me this year. If anyone is a Grinch fan, come join me 🙂 Or else save me. I went from a science degree to business (MBA). It was a drastic change. Don’t ask me why I chose business admin, because I don’t even know. If someone asks me what I want to do with my Master’s degree, I tell them “absolutely nothing” why make plans?? I hate making a plan of what I want and then have everything go in the opposite direction. Just like I planned NOT to get my Master’s degree, I immediately went in totally opposite direction. If only I didn’t see that quote, make a path where there are rainbows at the end, or something like that 🙂
Not only am I weary of college, I don’t know how I can afford it anymore. I work over 40 hours a week but if I want a life beyond being homeless, I can’t be paying for classes much longer. I had gotten scholarships during my undergrad degree, but for my Master’s, financial aid is harder to come by. Besides, I don’t know if getting a Master’s is what it’s cracked up to be anyway. So, I am wondering if my exhaustion and lack of support is a sign that I should stop taking classes?? Say yes! Maybe take a long nap and then continue my path later on in life. I have come a long way since leaving the Amish, not knowing where I was supposed to go, I ended up with far more than I envisioned. God had a perfect plan for me back then, even though I didn’t understand it at the time and tried to follow a path that only made sense to me. I am glad I took a different direction.